A Travellerspoint blog

Dorothy's last evening

Deep, dark teatime of the soul

Just a brief overview where things are. HomeForExchange.com kicked in an managed to secure a couple of places to stay at even further Down Under. Some waypoints changed due to distance issues, so Dunedin may give in for Queenstown and a loop around the Fox Glacier may kick in.

I got a couple of good contacts, who are helpful beyond belief. That is definitely encouraging about NZ, but of course, as we say, praise the day only when the sun has gone. I write at least fifty mails a day and receive just as many.

The surprise bit was compromised but I don't really mind that. Probably better. I was thinking a lot, that this could have been a surprise with the awe-magneto-meter getting busted as from an H-bomb, and killing everything and enything in its way. I am in a sort of state where no matter how things end up, all attempts have been made, humanly possible. A saying again, never run after a wagon, that does not want to give you a lift. I think, this is my last leg when I am running. I am not anxious anymore, I am not worried anymore, I cannot be more than me, so this is the take it or leave it tour.

Today I took my daughter (9 tomorrow) to my Mom's. Just wanted to have one night with them together. Yesterday I just felt how much I missed this during this awful month at home. Diving my deepest wells and dragging myself slowly out. I missed them. They must have missed me too. My daughter was cuddling me all day, she needed me back so much, so I hope I could have given her love that will last her till I am back.

My Mom. Well. She would have been the greatest adventurer has not she been taken the wrong turn, in an attempt to escape village life, at her early age and marry my father. My father is, well, ok. Was selfish but good hearted, probably weak and now alone. She then had us. My sis and me with my father gone. Imagine her as someone destined to roam this world, clever but responsible. Responsibility sometimes chains people. We chained her. We became what we are, because we sucked her opportunities to realise herself and live a full life through the haustellum of responsibility. She is worried to crazy now. She is worried but I know, had she been alone in this life, or at least free from all this load, she would have roamed it. As she put it, she would have showed the way to dogs.
She told me how tired she was. I am worried. I am more worried about her than about the whole trip and I just don't know how to calm her. I showed her a movie about NZ today. She quit at half. Mothers. She would never hold me back with force, she told me a lot of rational things that should keep me. But I also know, that under that surface, tense as a trembling slate, under layers and layers of care, she is coming with me. I feel that somewhere I am carrying her heart in mine and take her. I wish I could take her, so she sees.

So tough. Life is so bloody lifelike sometimes. Most of the times. This trip is plagued with so much clean and honest emotion from one side and such dusted, cracked and covered emotions on the other. One would always want to mend the cracks and just so dumb that forget to just grab the clean and honest ones. As I said. Life is so bloody life sometimes.

The plan is still a go. I feel that on the other end of the line reality from all the chats, mails and phones starts to kick in. It is good. I want this or I will just snap without sensing her again. I know. Either way, otherwise it will be a never ending, soul eating, pseudo-love story that is only good for village theatre stages and bottom shelf romantic books. Nothing else. Delivers none, but takes all. Words painted fake cake. We love. That must have a touch.

Posted by Torch42 15:36 Comments (0)

Tick-Tack-Toe

Getting set

Ok, so it is not easy. It is actually more difficult than I thought. Setting up a trip and visit wineries.
There is one person I must thank however, Lynda from the Beech Tree Cottage in Cambridge. A beautiful lady with a great sense of humor and more helpful attitude than all combined so far.

I have tried to set up my trip and contacted professional organisations, just to get polite messages trying to get rid off me. That is sad. Hey Guys at New Zealand Winegrowers and NZWINES.COM, I am not asking for money, I am asking for assistance. The world is just crazy. Where is the sense of fun from people. More specifically in Kiwiland. You are supposed to be the one far enough from all the US and European square attitude and paranoia. Ah, so sad.

Anyways, cowards have no castles as they say, so even if nothing will be set by the time I arrive, my feet will definitely touch the ground there. If my two footprints will be joined by another two is still a question, but that is another story. All I know is, that we are drifting apart. And there are only two options, go for the drifting raft or stay on the safe shore and whine about the naughty currents of the circumstances and parrot that no decision is a decision and time will take care of it. Well, all I know is that time is everything but a caretaker. The best it can do is to sweep things under the carpet of ignorance and defeatism and kill us both, and what we have.

Anyways, nothing is lost till all is lost, so I will start to contact people who just might care. Who have seen things. Lived things and understand what is the only thing we will take away in our souls from this world when the time comes. Yeah, sounds like big words, but even me, with a cinicism that could fill a cathedral to the brim, even I believe in this. Believe in, well, yes, love. Otherwise the whole thing makes no sense. It would be an awful waste of space. If life is a journey, like every journey it also has two points A and B. All journey needs these two points and this is why I think if I am a certain point A, to complete this journey of life, I must reach my point B. (Provided, my imaginary point B actually intends to be point B, and that this whole A and B thing makes any sense whatsoever, when it is all so fucking simple. GOD, need my brain replaced, thank you.). No pressure there. Journeys are awful when there is pressure.

So this is it basically. Also, I had my round trip with family for Xmas, but my mind is far too much intertwined with the odds and waypoints of this trip I have been preparing for in the last two years, with dreams, with actions and with devotion.

Four weeks and counting.
Cheers

Posted by Torch42 17:56 Comments (0)

FFW

Stage one

Almost a year ago was the last time I was here. I think things have this weird ripening time, my life's events are elephant calves. They grow slowly then they just pop.
The year is gone, with many things. Changes. Solitude changes things. I am not talking about how and what you do, but rather, turning from external sightseeing more towards your internal tours. How your emotions change or do they change. Will you have the will to maintain who you are. Can you make contact, or you rather lose all with yourself.
It was a year of experiences about myself. A reshuflling of worths in my set of values. In what I consider worthwhile and what something that will just go with the flow. Concentrations is difficult sometimes and I must say it was one thing I have learnt. Where I came to, the percieved safety of a job is slipping away, yet panic or angst has not set in yet. I looked back. Not only to this year but many others before this one. Reviewed and sieved what should be saved and what was jus there to fill this bag of time and space.
We met again with my thoughts attending three tables in this busy month. At one table sat my career, pretty much summing up itself. Having conversations and drinking red wines. They hardly talked. The second table was this sometimes noisy sometimes solemn group of all sorts of creatures. They were brainstorming. The guy in the suit new those of the first table, insisting on going that way. Then there was this woodstock-like dressed self-proclaimed pseudo-artist guy talking about the skies all the time, and some other characters, making sense of the talks of the two. And there was my favourite, third table. With her, and friends and family.
So we met. Nothing in me has fainted since the last time some years ago. Having been listening to the murmur and susurrus of these tables found me with hightened emotions and the will to just chill a bit. To relax. Silence me inside. Sensual and explosive mixture.
Than awakening again. Looking at the tables. A taste hard to judge whether sweet or sugary, whether tingy lime or bitter lemon, but for sure something worth it all.
Sometimes one must give existence a push. Go to its limits and make decisions more frightening and further reaching than could be possibly imagined. These decisions are, in me, spontaneous. The one, with the sneakrs and rolled up jeans, in that battered leather coat makes them. The free one. He could cope with anything he dared so far. I just hope, that this will be the case again.

The wheels were set in motion on a ground of running sand of emotions, resources, outcomes and in general all aspects. But this free me, is the one who gave me all what I am going to take with me when the time comes. Good, bad. Nothing inbetween.

The wheels I dreamt of are set in motion. Brakes are disengaged. And, if all goes as "planned" in just a month they will start to rev up. Beyond anything that I, the me-me would consier, remotely sane.

Posted by Torch42 09:13 Archived in United Kingdom Tagged living_abroad Comments (0)

Time Zone

Doorstep

2 °C

It worked.
All right. Not every detail. I am pretty chicken when it comes to leaving all behind AND just wander around. The company remained. Location changed. I feel like being in the port.
London.
Global warming made it a livable place. All swarming with aliens. I wonder if there is any true English left here at all.
Next waypoint?
My heart would go. Just fucking go. But also listens. Silent talks. So marooned for a while.
Being alone, I mean more alone, gives one a unique perspective. The perspective of shut-up-wisdom. When there is nothing but to listen to your inner self. No suppression. Just listening. Piecing puzzles together. Yes yes. Brain does as well but you would never believe the fatty watery thing. But silent self talks in signs and gets.
So the journey has started. At least that.
I am good. I know. And I just don't want to put any marketing behind it any more. Sort of take it or leave it. Silent self cares.

Posted by Torch42 00:48 Archived in United Kingdom Tagged living_abroad Comments (0)

Feet in mud

Fear of conformism

Almost a decade ago I still had what I would call a window of opportunity. Time to be used as risk capital. Now, after being hospitalised in the 9-2-5 world it is so so difficult to get on the road again. I have a daughter, a marriage that ended with a dive from 37,000 feet, relationships to which I hung on for too long and a job which is more like seat 15F on a galley in a huge oil company, cruching data but mostly writing. Poems, stupid stand-up stuff and basically anything to keep me in the world Robert DeNiro had in the King of Comedy. I am also in love with... with the other end of the world, but hey, that is life.

So. I have this crazed, once brave and adventurous spirit and this night I just decided, let's go then. This is how it will be done. First I clean up all reliabilities affecting any of my peers. After that I set the first waypoint, heartpoint.

Then we shall see. I have knowledge to sell and talent to cultivate.

Let's see whether I can be strong enough to make it happen. Target: to be on the road by early next year.

Posted by Torch42 16:59 Archived in Hungary Tagged preparation Comments (0)

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