Deep, dark teatime of the soul
Just a brief overview where things are. HomeForExchange.com kicked in an managed to secure a couple of places to stay at even further Down Under. Some waypoints changed due to distance issues, so Dunedin may give in for Queenstown and a loop around the Fox Glacier may kick in.
I got a couple of good contacts, who are helpful beyond belief. That is definitely encouraging about NZ, but of course, as we say, praise the day only when the sun has gone. I write at least fifty mails a day and receive just as many.
The surprise bit was compromised but I don't really mind that. Probably better. I was thinking a lot, that this could have been a surprise with the awe-magneto-meter getting busted as from an H-bomb, and killing everything and enything in its way. I am in a sort of state where no matter how things end up, all attempts have been made, humanly possible. A saying again, never run after a wagon, that does not want to give you a lift. I think, this is my last leg when I am running. I am not anxious anymore, I am not worried anymore, I cannot be more than me, so this is the take it or leave it tour.
Today I took my daughter (9 tomorrow) to my Mom's. Just wanted to have one night with them together. Yesterday I just felt how much I missed this during this awful month at home. Diving my deepest wells and dragging myself slowly out. I missed them. They must have missed me too. My daughter was cuddling me all day, she needed me back so much, so I hope I could have given her love that will last her till I am back.
My Mom. Well. She would have been the greatest adventurer has not she been taken the wrong turn, in an attempt to escape village life, at her early age and marry my father. My father is, well, ok. Was selfish but good hearted, probably weak and now alone. She then had us. My sis and me with my father gone. Imagine her as someone destined to roam this world, clever but responsible. Responsibility sometimes chains people. We chained her. We became what we are, because we sucked her opportunities to realise herself and live a full life through the haustellum of responsibility. She is worried to crazy now. She is worried but I know, had she been alone in this life, or at least free from all this load, she would have roamed it. As she put it, she would have showed the way to dogs.
She told me how tired she was. I am worried. I am more worried about her than about the whole trip and I just don't know how to calm her. I showed her a movie about NZ today. She quit at half. Mothers. She would never hold me back with force, she told me a lot of rational things that should keep me. But I also know, that under that surface, tense as a trembling slate, under layers and layers of care, she is coming with me. I feel that somewhere I am carrying her heart in mine and take her. I wish I could take her, so she sees.
So tough. Life is so bloody lifelike sometimes. Most of the times. This trip is plagued with so much clean and honest emotion from one side and such dusted, cracked and covered emotions on the other. One would always want to mend the cracks and just so dumb that forget to just grab the clean and honest ones. As I said. Life is so bloody life sometimes.
The plan is still a go. I feel that on the other end of the line reality from all the chats, mails and phones starts to kick in. It is good. I want this or I will just snap without sensing her again. I know. Either way, otherwise it will be a never ending, soul eating, pseudo-love story that is only good for village theatre stages and bottom shelf romantic books. Nothing else. Delivers none, but takes all. Words painted fake cake. We love. That must have a touch.